Counting Days

Day 9460:

 After 26 years of marriage my life should be pretty settled. I should be thinking about things like our 401K and renovating the kitchen. But instead today I am thinking about how to start my life over again.

Do he even think about what he’s done to me? No, of course not or he wouldn’t have done it. He lives only in the moment, that’s how bipolar’s are. They can’t see beyond that moment in time, they don’t think about consequences or damage they are doing. They only care about what they want in that moment.

I wonder how many affairs he’s really had. I don’t think he even knows. I think he’s lost count along the way. I wish he would have said he met someone, they fell in love and their relationship was developed out of their love for each other. I suppose that would be easier to understand at least. But to say the women mean nothing and to him it’s just a game. He likes to see how far he can get with them. I don’t even know how to process this. Does he really think that’s suppose to make me feel better some how?

I wonder what he tells them about me. Does he tell them I am ugly, fat, sickly, cold? Who do they think I am? He’s charming and a good liar, so they probably believe every word he says. I can’t blame them, I did.

Now what? Who am I? Do I even know anymore? I feel like I have completely lost myself. In some ways I am beyond angry and in other ways I feel nothing at all, I am completely numb.

Now what, I just keep asking myself this over and over.

Day 1:

   Step One – find myself

   Step Two – start new life