The Madness

He’s gone off his meds now. He thinks he’s doing better but he’s not. I.m concerned for when it comes time to leave, how will he react. I have already told him my plans, trying to prepare him. First there was a lot of crying and then four hours rambling in circles. Now he acts like everything is fine. I suppose when I am walking out the door I should be ready for anything. Maybe he already has someone lined up to move in once I move out. That will keep him calm, distract him.

I can't have a rational conversation with him because he is not rational. His behavior has been odd lately. He is taking the Keurig coffee cups out of the machine and taking them. I don't know what he does with them. He piles them up on the washing machine and then takes them with him - somewhere. 

He came home from work today, immediately took his shirt off and soaked it in cheap cologne then hid the shirt in his closet. He does this because he doesn't want me to smell "her" on his shirt. He thinks I don't know what he's doing.  

He just sits there so smug, thinking he's gotten away with it. He's so satisfied with himself. Its a game, he's playing the game.

I don't get it, how does he do it. Sitting there acting like everything is wonderful, like he wants our marriage to work knowing he was just with someone else minutes ago. He's good at it. He enjoys the game and he doesn't care who he hurts as long as he's having fun. This is so sick. 

Back to School

When I was younger it seemed fairly easy for me to get a job. Look at the job ads, make a few calls, setup interviews. I usually was completing with four or five other people so my odds were pretty good and before I knew it I had an offer, sometimes two.

But now that I am older people don’t seem so excited to hire me. I have gone on interview after interview. I have been told I am too old, the company is looking to project a younger vibe, they love me but in order to hire me I need a bachelors degree though the degree can be in anything and doesn’t have to actually relate to the job itself I just need one, and there are jobs where over a hundred other people have shown up to fight for one single position.

At this rate I will never find a job, let alone one that can actually support me. That’s why I have decided to go back to school. Not college, can’t afford that nor do I have the time, I need to move out sooner rather then later. But I started looking at vocational schools. They are short term, more reasonably priced and some offer grants.

So here I go, back to school. In a few days I will be starting school to get my CNA (nursing assistance and home health aide). I was able to get a grant that covers part of the cost and in a few weeks I will be ready to take the state exam.

I am both excited and terrified. This has to work, I have to succeed at this. Just the thought of walking into that class room makes me shake. I am sure I will be the oldest one there, I am going to feel like such a failure. The anxiety is overwhelming, so I am trying not to think about it.

Focus on the positive. I will be helping people, this is a new adventure, it’s a good thing. My uniform is pressed and hanging up ready for my first day. My notebook and pens and on the dresser waiting to be filled. Its going to be ok, its going to be ok – just keep saying it.

Counting Days

Day 9460:

 After 26 years of marriage my life should be pretty settled. I should be thinking about things like our 401K and renovating the kitchen. But instead today I am thinking about how to start my life over again.

Do he even think about what he’s done to me? No, of course not or he wouldn’t have done it. He lives only in the moment, that’s how bipolar’s are. They can’t see beyond that moment in time, they don’t think about consequences or damage they are doing. They only care about what they want in that moment.

I wonder how many affairs he’s really had. I don’t think he even knows. I think he’s lost count along the way. I wish he would have said he met someone, they fell in love and their relationship was developed out of their love for each other. I suppose that would be easier to understand at least. But to say the women mean nothing and to him it’s just a game. He likes to see how far he can get with them. I don’t even know how to process this. Does he really think that’s suppose to make me feel better some how?

I wonder what he tells them about me. Does he tell them I am ugly, fat, sickly, cold? Who do they think I am? He’s charming and a good liar, so they probably believe every word he says. I can’t blame them, I did.

Now what? Who am I? Do I even know anymore? I feel like I have completely lost myself. In some ways I am beyond angry and in other ways I feel nothing at all, I am completely numb.

Now what, I just keep asking myself this over and over.

Day 1:

   Step One – find myself

   Step Two – start new life