Finding Work

The Job Hunt

I am so tired of going on job interviews and having people tell me they really like me, like the experience I have and would like to hire me but unfortunately they aren't going to. I have plenty of experience and know how to do the job, that's not the problem, the problem is I have either worked for myself or the companies I have worked for was too long ago.  They want at least 1 or 2 years of recent experience working for a company. So they pretty much disregard my recent experience because I was self employed and my past company based work history is too far in the past.

They want to be able to call a former boss or co-worker for a reference but the problem is my former boss is me. So, since I don't have the right "kind" of experience I will need a bachelors degree before they can consider me which of course I don't have.

What to Do?

So what am I to do? Getting more education costs thousands of dollars and takes a long time both of
which I don't have. So I have no choice but to keep on the hunt hoping to catch a break.

They say when life gives you lemons you make lemonade but without any sugar all you are left with is sour water. Hopefully I will find some sugar soon because I am tired of drinking sour water.

A Rose in the Hand, a Knife in the Heart

The Lazy Cheater

It's bad enough when your husband is cheating on you but even worse is when he adds insult to injury. He thinks that if he occasionally shows up with a little token of love it will appease me in some way. Make me think he is only thinking of me.

But when he gives me a card that talks about him being sorry and wanting to work on our relationship and grow stronger together yet at the same time, in the same transaction buys a mushy card for his girlfriend, he obviously isn't thinking of only me. Its like he is throwing me a bone to shut me for a while and at the same time letting HER know he's really only thinking of her.

Seriously dude! At least make two separate trips to the store, you lazy cheater! You don't even have it in you to make a special trip for each of us. I seriously would love to know what the conversion in his head is. "I think I will buy my wife a nice card to express how sorry I am for being such a ... Oh look! this would be a nice card for my girlfriend.

I wonder how she would feel if she knew about my card and that both our cards were purchased at the same time.

No Cross Contamination

If you are going to cheat at very least do not cross contaminate your wife and your girlfriend. Don't be lazy, make two trips or at least make two separate transactions. And don't be so dumb at to stuff the receipt in your pocket and then put your pants in the laundry. You do know the receipt has the ISBN number and name of the cards on it. It was very easy to go to the store, find the section with that line of cards in it, then it was just a matter of looking for the matching ISBN number on the back of the card.

Can a Narcissist Truly Love Someone?

Are Narcissist Capable of Love?

I recently read an article about whether a narcissist can really love a person. In order to really answer this question you have to understand what it means to love someone.

What is Love?

I suppose the term love has a different meaning for each person but for me, if you love someone, truly love someone, you put them before yourself. Not that that is always right it just happens. They are the first one you think of. When there is only one piece of chocolate cake left you offer it to them.You think of their happiness and what you can do to support that. You consider their thoughts and feelings and value them as much as your own. You cherish and honor your relationship and you always have their back. Sounds wonderful doesn't it?

What Research Says

According to the article, a narcissist always puts themselves first. The only opinion that matters is their own and rarely do they ever think of someone else's feelings. I would like to be able to disagree with these statements but I can't. Not valuing me was the topic of our last "discussion." When I am talking with someone, right in the middle of a sentence, my husband will start speaking over me, cutting me off. He feels what he has to say is more important and what I am saying has no value. I can't tell you how demeaning this is. I try to stand there stone faced acting like it doesn't bother me but inside I am fighting back the tears. When I offer my thoughts or feelings they are quickly discarded. As a matter of fact when I try to express my feelings or being upset about something he just gets mad and yells at me for upsetting him with negative talk. Which is often followed up with a week long silent treatment. Which in reality is more like a mini vacation then a punishment.

What's the Payoff

Most of the time whenever he does something nice for me my first question is what does he want, what is the payoff for his kindness? I really want to believe he does things for me out of the kindness of his heart but sadly most of the time he proves me wrong.

The Bottom Line

I guess the article is correct. No, a narcissist is not capable of truly loving a person. They may feel love towards someone but the only one they really love is themselves. I think my husband has love towards me, and is attached to me. Likes having me around mostly because he doesn't like to be alone plus he likes having me take care of him. But when all is said and done, it's always him first.

The Madness

He’s gone off his meds now. He thinks he’s doing better but he’s not. I.m concerned for when it comes time to leave, how will he react. I have already told him my plans, trying to prepare him. First there was a lot of crying and then four hours rambling in circles. Now he acts like everything is fine. I suppose when I am walking out the door I should be ready for anything. Maybe he already has someone lined up to move in once I move out. That will keep him calm, distract him.

I can't have a rational conversation with him because he is not rational. His behavior has been odd lately. He is taking the Keurig coffee cups out of the machine and taking them. I don't know what he does with them. He piles them up on the washing machine and then takes them with him - somewhere. 

He came home from work today, immediately took his shirt off and soaked it in cheap cologne then hid the shirt in his closet. He does this because he doesn't want me to smell "her" on his shirt. He thinks I don't know what he's doing.  

He just sits there so smug, thinking he's gotten away with it. He's so satisfied with himself. Its a game, he's playing the game.

I don't get it, how does he do it. Sitting there acting like everything is wonderful, like he wants our marriage to work knowing he was just with someone else minutes ago. He's good at it. He enjoys the game and he doesn't care who he hurts as long as he's having fun. This is so sick. 

Back to School

When I was younger it seemed fairly easy for me to get a job. Look at the job ads, make a few calls, setup interviews. I usually was completing with four or five other people so my odds were pretty good and before I knew it I had an offer, sometimes two.

But now that I am older people don’t seem so excited to hire me. I have gone on interview after interview. I have been told I am too old, the company is looking to project a younger vibe, they love me but in order to hire me I need a bachelors degree though the degree can be in anything and doesn’t have to actually relate to the job itself I just need one, and there are jobs where over a hundred other people have shown up to fight for one single position.

At this rate I will never find a job, let alone one that can actually support me. That’s why I have decided to go back to school. Not college, can’t afford that nor do I have the time, I need to move out sooner rather then later. But I started looking at vocational schools. They are short term, more reasonably priced and some offer grants.

So here I go, back to school. In a few days I will be starting school to get my CNA (nursing assistance and home health aide). I was able to get a grant that covers part of the cost and in a few weeks I will be ready to take the state exam.

I am both excited and terrified. This has to work, I have to succeed at this. Just the thought of walking into that class room makes me shake. I am sure I will be the oldest one there, I am going to feel like such a failure. The anxiety is overwhelming, so I am trying not to think about it.

Focus on the positive. I will be helping people, this is a new adventure, it’s a good thing. My uniform is pressed and hanging up ready for my first day. My notebook and pens and on the dresser waiting to be filled. Its going to be ok, its going to be ok – just keep saying it.

Counting Days

Day 9460:

 After 26 years of marriage my life should be pretty settled. I should be thinking about things like our 401K and renovating the kitchen. But instead today I am thinking about how to start my life over again.

Do he even think about what he’s done to me? No, of course not or he wouldn’t have done it. He lives only in the moment, that’s how bipolar’s are. They can’t see beyond that moment in time, they don’t think about consequences or damage they are doing. They only care about what they want in that moment.

I wonder how many affairs he’s really had. I don’t think he even knows. I think he’s lost count along the way. I wish he would have said he met someone, they fell in love and their relationship was developed out of their love for each other. I suppose that would be easier to understand at least. But to say the women mean nothing and to him it’s just a game. He likes to see how far he can get with them. I don’t even know how to process this. Does he really think that’s suppose to make me feel better some how?

I wonder what he tells them about me. Does he tell them I am ugly, fat, sickly, cold? Who do they think I am? He’s charming and a good liar, so they probably believe every word he says. I can’t blame them, I did.

Now what? Who am I? Do I even know anymore? I feel like I have completely lost myself. In some ways I am beyond angry and in other ways I feel nothing at all, I am completely numb.

Now what, I just keep asking myself this over and over.

Day 1:

   Step One – find myself

   Step Two – start new life